Owning the "P" word, or mastering wabi sabi

Today, I was recommended this post
http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html?ref=nf
and I couldn't help but think that it is completely appropriate for transgender issues - even if the writer doesn't direct it there. 

Is Perfection the new dirty word? 

This summer has had me learning a lot about the transgender community.  Depression and suicide in transgender youth and adults is too high.  Life is tough, but life can seem so much more difficult if you don't fit into society's idea of Perfection.

I've been reminding Dandelion that he is PERFECT just the way he is and that he is to always remember that.  He was perfect the day he was born, he is perfect today and he will be perfect years from now.  I have been stressing to him that everybody varies in some way and that transgendered people may vary a little more than others. 

I have made it clear that not everyone sees the world as boy or girl, penis or vagina - that over the years he will meet many out there who will see only the person on the inside, who don't worry about what is under the shirt or in the pants.  Those people will think that he is perfect just the way he is, too.  He should never think of himself as less than perfect, and he should never settle for someone who feels that way about him.

I know it's hard to be different, feel different.  I know that there is often a honeymoon period of happiness and contentment when a transgendered individual starts living the life they feel they should have been born into.  When they come out to friends and family and the fear and stress of wondering if they will continue to be loved and accepted is behind them, the world seems like their oyster. 

Then life slowly adjusts back to the normal ups and downs, the excitement of the "rebirth" fades and then old worries, fears, concerns become overwhelming. 

We all want to be perfect, but it is hard to feel perfect when your physical gender is inconsistent with your emotional and psychological gender.  We start to beat ourselves up about what may be in our minds as lacking (or additional) and close ourselves off from healthy supportive relationships so we don't risk the hurt of rejection.  We forget that where we feel we fail is only our opinion, not necessarily the opinion of others.  I really believe that if we can get over it, then others will accept it, too.

So maybe, just maybe we should be looking at Perfection in the Japanese manner of wabi sabi - the achievement of perfection through the acceptance of imperfection.  This is what we should teach our children.  Can you imagine a world where all the children grew into adults who valued the differences in others instead of fearing and hating what is perceived not to be normal?

So, to my point, we have to dump the desire to achieve someone elses idea of Perfection and own Perfection for ourselves.  Make Perfection your bitch!

Here's a fun little challenge to end this post - I'm thinking specifically of a beautiful youth I met this summer and wish I had done this for - for all the happy, bubbly exterior I could see there was an inner sadness and I didn't overcome my own fear of being judged that I didn't give hir a hug and tell hir that I saw all the beauty and wonder inside and how just thinking of hir makes me smile.  I'm going to follow through the next time we meet up!

If you see someone out there -  in your life, on the outskirts of your life, someone who is not part of your life but is obviously struggling - I challenge you to let them know that you think they are Perfect - their flaws, their quirks, just being who they are makes them Perfect.  Remind them that there is nothing in this world that they cannot overcome and come out on top of.  Give them a hug! 

One day at a time

Last night we all went to see our awesome friend kick some TO butt with her roller derby team Riot Squad (btw, the TO ladies did a great job and gave our girls a run for their money!).


http://rideauvalleyrollergirls.com/

As usual, we had a blast!

One thing that we have noticed is that Dandelion is in his element at these matches.  Our normally attached at the hip, playing shy little man is off schmoozing the volunteers,  talking up the players...if you have ever been to a flat track roller derby in Ottawa (and I think I can safely assume it is similar - if not the identical - everywhere else) you may understand why he feels so comfortable there.  It is the mecca and sport of the alternative lifestyle. 

My girlie girl loves it for the female empowerment aspect of it - tough, strong, beautiful women kicking butt on the track, but oozing good sportsmanship.

I have a feeling that Dandelion just feels like he has "come home".

The crowd consists of every colour of the rainbow, but it is especially full of LGBT.

I don't want to sound un-politic in the manner I describe it, but I have been finding that being the parent of a young gender variant person is much like deciding on a new car and then seeing that car EVERYWHERE...you never noticed that car on the road much before, but now it seems like it is every second car out there.  That's the way I feel with a gender variant son.  Suddenly, I am noticing those who look like they may be transgendered, I internally question the gender of strangers on the street (when I never thought to notice or care before) and I am more apt to hear insensitive comments, too.

I noticed A LOT of ftm last night.  Some had obviously started T, but many were hormone and op free.  One thing that I couldn't help but notice was their comfort within their own skin - or lack of comfort.  Sadly, so many of these young men seemed to be very uncomfortable - a pity when in a venue and environment that is so accepting.  Some hid behind bravado - forced swaggers, very aggressive/strong presences; some were just looking very awkward.  Although they presented as male, it became obvious that many were wearing chest binders and were not at all comfortable in them.  Too much time was spent, albeit trying to look casual, with their arms crossed over their chests - as if trying to hide the telltale signs of the binder before someone on the outside could notice. 

Then I looked at Dandelion and wanted to cry.  I love my baby so much and I am watching him confident, happy and secure in his self and in his physical body.  It hasn't betrayed him yet.

So many of these young men look VERY young - late teens to mid-twenties.  All I could think was "What if...they had known how to voice their need to their parents...that their parents had sensed something different and acted upon it..."  How different would their lives be?  Would their lives be different at all?  Would they be happier than they are today?  Would they be less than they are today by being given an easier road than the one that they had to take?  How many of them will seek surgical reconstruction?  How many of them will begin T?  How many of them will be happier?  Have the trials and difficulties they have faced being transgendered done damage to their sense of self?  Is the damage irreversible?

Again, I think of the young adult ftm that I met through TransFamilyKids and how secure and comfortable he appeared.  If I had met him under different circumstances I would never have questioned his gender.  He presented casually and confidently in his skin.  Mind you, I met him well after his top surgery and starting T - so I can't say that he has always been this way. 

But, if I can give one thing to Dandelion, I want him never to feel that his body has betrayed him...sure, maybe it is not cooperating fully...but to still be able to trust it, love it and have confidence in it.  I want him to strut around just as proud and secure in his being a boy 10 years, 20 year from now as he does today at the age of 7.

When I discuss Dandelion with others, I always try to stress that I can only handle one day at a time.  Sure, I do research what options are out there for his future - what may make his life easier in the long term, what hoops we are going to have to jump through to make sure that all options are open to him - but I don't make any plans because I can only manage today and stay sane!  I have a gender therapist and a trans-friendly pediatric endo lined up in the event that we need them within the next couple of years, but even the gender therapist doesn't see a need to meet with Dandelion yet as he is happy, well adjusted and not having any problems with transitioning.

Still, it is hard not to jump 10 years ahead of myself when the young man, in his early twenties, in a binder in front of me in line is holding his girlfriends' hand and has the other awkwardly draped over his chest trying to hide any inadvertent bulges under his baggy tee.  With great difficulty I hold back from traumatizing him by being accosted my me - a complete stranger giving him a bear hug and telling him that he is perfect and handsome just the way he is.

Dandelions' life as a dog

Dandelion-puppy disguised as a
Vampire Puppy Pirate for Halloween 2007

It's been interesting hearing the feedback about this blog - thank you for all the support! - especially as a recurrent theme has appeared...children identifying as an animal.

This has come up several times amongst transfamilies who can look back and remember when their child identified more as a favourite animal or pet than as a kid.  Friends who had been there for Dandelions years as a dog have commented on it, too and wondered if that phase is attached to his gender identity.

I think Dandelion was not yet 3 years old the year I made him a dog collar and leash (with magnetic clasps so that there would be no choking accidents) because, at this point he had been eating from, and only from, dog dishes for several months because he had informed us that he was a puppy.

The whole household supported it.  He wore a dog costume, almost, daily for a couple years when we went out - stayed naked at home because "Silly Mommy, dogs don't wear clothes!", and when it wasn't appropriate he would wear street clothes with his collar, nametag, and, often, the leash.  Yes, go ahead and imagine the looks I got walking down the street with my child on a leash!  This was NOT my idea, Dandelion had a very good argument that you can't take dogs out without a leash...how do you support your puppy and argue with logic like that?!

Now, as an aside, one may question "When and where is the situation that is not appropriate to wear a dog costume and for a child to act in a doggy manner?".  Nowadays, this would be a really good question - I'd be hard pressed to give you anywhere or anytime.  Several years ago, I still believed that there was a certain way to act under certain circumstances and that we all sometimes need to blend in a bit more than we do.  Have I grown as a parent and a person?  Am I just a big push over?  I like to think the former, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion - go ahead, I invite you to judge!  But, for the record, if being a puppy wasn't appropriate, we could often compromise on him being Spiderman instead...

Back to my puppy:  Dandelion was the best dog I have ever had.  He even had a special dog name.  He already did lots of tricks and was really quick to learn new ones.  He communicated well, ate well, slept well and was fully housetrained.  He loved getting his belly rubbed and getting scratches behind the ears.  His favourite game was fetch.

I'm thinking that there IS a link between his identifying as a dog and his gender identity.  I think that a very young age that he knew something was "different" about him and couldn't express it.  Maybe he didn't even know what the "different" was.  All I can tell you is that he lived in a very safe and supportive fantasy world.

I'd like to believe that our years of nurturing Dandelion-puppy gave him the security to voice to us, at such an early age, how he was feeling and what his needs are.   I hope that our years of nurturing Dandelion-puppy has given us some of the tools we need to help him negotiate deeper waters as he gets older and life gets more confusing and seemingly difficult.

I do know that it has given us the attitude of "we don't care what you think because what we are doing, right or wrong, is out of love for our child" and seeing the proof-in-the-pudding of having a happy and well-adjusted child.

Puppy Love!

Little Dandelion has been wanting a dog since...well, forever!  For years (age 2 - 6) he identified as being a dog - eating and drinking only out of dog dishes, wanting to wear a collar and a leash, playing puppy and doing tricks for us, wanting belly scratches, etc...

Well, last week, we got a puppy.  He is the sweetest and gentlest puppy I have ever met and little Blackie has shown me how mature and serious my little boy can be!  It is absolutely amazing to watch your "baby" grow into a serious "big kid" overnight.

The pup is just under 8 weeks old, and we've had him for just less than one week, but Dandelion has already mat trained him, taught him to fetch and jump through a hoop and jumping from small heights.  Blackie will try to squirm out my hands and those of my husband to get to Dandelion!  

When Dandelion was 4 years old he saw a Super Dog agility trial competition on TV and has always said that this is what he would do if he had a dog of his own.  I think he is well on his way!

This past weekend, Dandelion painted a picture of himself holding a flaming hoop and Blackie jumping through it...I'm going to have to keep an eye on the matches!

The path to therapy is paved with teachable moments...

This past weekend we took Dandelion camping.  His big sister was away at a Girl Guide camp and we thought we would take the opportunity to have some one-on-one time with him.

Fun, sun, nature - he was completely in his element!  Mind you, we spent 4 of the first 10 months of his life camping across the country.  One thing he just hasn't been able to get over are spiders - he will absolutely flip if he comes across a web, let alone a spider!

Well, on the way to the washrooms before bed time I encouraged Dandelion to keep his flashlight turned off so we could enjoy the fireflies.  Of course, this led to many questions about fireflies that I answered as best I could and ended with "what does a firefly look like?".

On the way back to our site I noticed a lone flashing in the grass along the path.  Wow, I can actually show Dandelion a firefly!  How exciting! 

Now, I really should have thought "Why is this firefly not moving...what could be wrong?"....

As I shone the flashlight on the lone blinker, the beam caught a most horrible, albeit natural, sight - the firefly was in a death embrace with a spider!

As I quickly turn off the light (and start thinking about the extra jobs I am going to have to pick up to pay for the therapy), Dandelion lets out a whistle and says, "Cool!". 

Cool?  You freak about the idea a spider may even be in your vicinity and this is "Cool"?! 

Funny enough, this ended up working in our favour - no matter how we have tried to inform him of the fact that spiders (in our neck of the woods) can't hurt him, it took him to see for himself that they can only eat things in their own size range.

By the end of the weeked, I was creeped out (never been a fan of spiders, but I work hard at not passing my irrational phobias onto my children) because he was searching out spiders and insistent on sharing his finds with us.  I manage to live oustide of a white jacket that fastens from behind because I have an unspoken agreement with spiders that I will pretend they don't exist if they pretend I don't either - I have a feeling that checking out their webs, searching plants and trees for them is a violation of our terms.

How many extra jobs am I going to have to pick up to pay for my therapy?

Of knights and damsels...

Just recently, the kids and I spent a wonderful day with our homeschooling friends at our local Medieval Festival.
Dandelion designed his very own medieval costume - a prince knight, complete with sword and shield. His best friend D. was his damsel, of whose protection he took very seriously throughout the day.

The day was spent with many of whom we see on a weekly basis, but there were many who I hadn't seen in months, and in some cases, years. All of them remembered my little girl, some remembered my tomboy, only those we see regularly knew my son...so, there was the inevitable discussion about gender identity.

Thus far, all our homeschooling friends have been very supportive, but there is always the comment about "phases" and how all our kids have gone through a phase of identifying with the opposite gender - how do I know that this is not a phase and that I'm not taking it too far?

This is not the first time that I have been asked that. Rather than be offended or begin second guessing myself because of this inquiry, it has led me to do a lot of thinking about the difference between a "phase" and true identity.

My eldest - the girliest girlie girl you will ever have the pleasure of meeting - went through a phase, at age 2-1/2 when she called herself a boy. She had a bit of a hero worship thing going on with a 5 year old boy that I babysat - she wanted to be just like him... It came, it passed. That was it.

Dandelion, on the other hand, from the time he could make his own choices he showed us time and again that he was hardwired male, regardless of what his external features were telling us.

My belief is that any one behaviour can be unique to a child, regardless of gender. A little girl who prefers cars over dolls is NOT trans, gay, whatever...she's a little girl who prefers cars! The same goes for a little boy who likes pink or plays with dolls.

From personal experience, if you can look back and see all these lumped into one kid...
- dismisses ANY "girl" toys but loves everything that is traditionally "male"
- at age 2, is cutting bows off her clothes because it is "too girlie"
- tries to cut her own hair at age 3 because she wants a "boy cut"
- who loses it because you brought home the princess training pants rather than the "boy" ones
- who puts on the knight/king/wizard costume at playgroup when all the other little girls are princesses
- pretends to be a body builder and shows that she is just as big and strong as Daddy
- when asked what she wants to be when she grows up, answers very seriously "a policeman and a fireman"
- who would rather wear the same red t-shirt and jeans day in and day out because those are the clothes she identifies as being "boy clothes"
- as much as I hate to buy into the stereotypes...loves math, tools and taking things apart to see how they work

...well, maybe you can add up all those parts and realize that it does not, in any way, add up to the whole that you are seeing.

Of course, when that same child tells you, very clearly and concisely, "I want to be a boy" and says, "tell people I am your son", I think that any second guessing about it being a phase is pretty much over.

Meanwhile, my little knight is tuckered out from fighting dragons and rescuing damsels, as is his mother from watching him, worrying about him and loving him to distraction (and, who vows always to be the knight-in-shining-armour for her little knight!).

Mistaken identity

Some things just hit you like a ton of bricks!

Recently, the kids and I were visiting with another transfamily (the most AMAZING people!)and we were discussing our kids' transitions - mind you one of the "kids" is an adult kid!

I commented on how people began to mistake Dandelion for a boy around 2-1/2 years ago when I relented to his desire to have a "boy" haircut. I said how he beamed when people mistook him for my son...and, as the words were coming out of my mouth, it struck me - WHO was doing the mistaking?

Complete strangers actually saw Dandelion's true identity while I was missing it (or, possibly, ignoring it).

Our friends laughed with me while I shared this sudden realization with them.

When things like this happen, as a parent, it is so easy to fall into guilt, but a young man once gave me some very sound feedback:

It was the adult kid from this family who, when I had asked if there was something he wished his parents had done differently, had responded along the lines of "they only knew what they knew, but they always loved me and supported me and that made the difference".

So, Dandelion, I only know what I know - and I know that I love you and support you. I hope (fingers and toes crossed) that that makes the difference!

To he or not to he...

I had never, ever questioned the power of a pronoun until Dandelion transitioned.

After 'she' started dressing and looking like 'he' I would be asked how old he was, what was his name, and invariably, I would blow the cover and 'she' or 'her' would slip into my conversation - most often confusing the stranger.

I easily accepted the haircut, the clothing, the entire demeanor, BUT my language patterns kept giving it all away...

"Come on, ladies"
"My girls are over there" (most often getting a quizzical look from the recipient of the comment as it is obviously a boy and a girl over there)
"I love you, Baby Girl"
"She's 6...oops, I mean HE's 6"

Argh! I hate to admit it but the list goes on!

I have to say that I do try, I try my darndest to respect Dandelion's gender identification, but having called Dandelion she,her,pretty girl, Baby Girl, beautiful, lovely, daughter and all those other female identifying nouns and adjectives for so long that it was a hard habit to break.

When talking about Dandelion to friends and family, I would find myself constantly self-correcting, making conversations much longer and more broken up than they should be.

So, do you know what I did?

I asked Dandelion is he minded that I flubbed up.

Do you know what Dandelion said?

No - as long as you think of me as your son and as a boy.

So, do you know what?

I don't worry about it anymore. Let strangers be confused, the people who really count know and most of all, Dandelion just doesn't care!

Laying the foundation...with foundation garments?

Funny enough, my initial awakening to Dandelion's transition was all about underwear...yep, underwear.

Around the age of 4, it was more and more often we caught Dandelion going "kamikaze".

"Where are your undies?"
"I don't have any."
"You have a drawer full!"
"They're too pretty!"

For goodness sakes! It's underwear, no one sees it - who cares! Well, obviously, someone did...someone cared a lot.

Regardless of my narrow opinion, the next time we were at the department store I took Dandelion to the girls' underwear section and said, "Choose!". Dandelion wandered the rack, back and forth, then something caught her eye on the next rack...the boys' rack...Spiderman underwear. Dandelion drifted over there, oohed and ahhed for a few moments and decidedly told me that she wanted the Spiderman underwear.

Of course she did - and, she wanted them to be just like Daddy's...boxer briefs. That's what we took home, along with a package of the boxer briefs with Cars on them, too. She was so proud to show Daddy that she had underwear just like his - but more fun.

Daddy admitted that the new underwear was really cool, but still gave me a quizzical look over Dandelion's shoulder.

Why? Why not? At this point, I'm still thinking it is still a phase, and what harm will it do to buy her new underwear - who decides what is boy or girl undies at that age?

But, from that day on I noticed a difference in Dandelion. A swagger? a slight change in attitude and mannerisms...enough for me to notice, and enough for me to begin thinking that this may not be a "phase".

It is still a good year off before I stop trying to dress Dandelion to my own tastes. It is a quite a while before I stop trying to get Dandelion to compromise with me by wearing a feminine shirt, but in BLUE (I look back now and simultaneously am disappointed and amused at myself!).

But, there is no denial that the underwear made a huge difference to Dandelion. No one but those of us at home ever saw it, but Dandelion knew that the foundation had been layed and had hope for us to know it, too.

Acceptance and Grief

I've been on a journey of acceptance for 2, almost 3 years now, that my 7 year old Dandelion is not a girl, rather a boy.

What I didn't realize until this past winter, though, is that I would have the need to grieve the loss of my baby girl.

When my grandmother passed away this winter, I was left with a huge whole in my life and in my heart. For a few months, I cried every single day - often several times a day.

I am pragmatic and I believe that everyone has their time to leave us, along with the belief that lives should be celebrated - especially the lives of the elderly - rather than mourned. So, my long state of sadness concerned even me.

One day while looking over photos of Nanny with my kids, it struck me - the older photos contained a Dandelion that was no longer with me - long curls, pigtails, skirts and dresses, pink...lots of pink! Oh, what a beautiful little girl he played! And, then it hits me - my crying for Nanny was a catharsis to grieving the loss of my baby girl, too.

From the day that Dandelion voiced that she was, indeed, a he, I have been doing my best to handle it in a sensible manner - true to my British heritage. How can I facilitate this for him? What I can I do to make him feel confident and comfortable in his surroundings? in his own skin?

Maybe it was the *excitement* (oh, how I use this term so very loosely!) of the transition that didn't allow me the time to even think about any loss on my part. All I can say is that when I actually took the time to think about it, it hit me like a ton of bricks - my little girl is gone forever. I have a wonderful son, who I love not a bit less, but I've lost the little girl in the photos.

So, I took the time to grieve for her, and I feel better. As we pull out the summer clothes and I bag all the girl clothing that my eldest has grown out of that I will never see on her little sister, I know there will be a twinge. But, when that happens, I will remember the shopping trip that Dandelion and I just took to buy him summer clothes and how I was amused over his peculiarities when it comes to choosing clothing, and how I marvel at his unique sense of style and individuality.

Now the guilt hits...looking back and seeing all the signals that your child had tried to give you over the years before stating very matter of factly which gender they identify with. Ack!

Parental guilt is a blog for another day...and in the meantime, keep calm and carry on!