The path to therapy is paved with teachable moments...

This past weekend we took Dandelion camping.  His big sister was away at a Girl Guide camp and we thought we would take the opportunity to have some one-on-one time with him.

Fun, sun, nature - he was completely in his element!  Mind you, we spent 4 of the first 10 months of his life camping across the country.  One thing he just hasn't been able to get over are spiders - he will absolutely flip if he comes across a web, let alone a spider!

Well, on the way to the washrooms before bed time I encouraged Dandelion to keep his flashlight turned off so we could enjoy the fireflies.  Of course, this led to many questions about fireflies that I answered as best I could and ended with "what does a firefly look like?".

On the way back to our site I noticed a lone flashing in the grass along the path.  Wow, I can actually show Dandelion a firefly!  How exciting! 

Now, I really should have thought "Why is this firefly not moving...what could be wrong?"....

As I shone the flashlight on the lone blinker, the beam caught a most horrible, albeit natural, sight - the firefly was in a death embrace with a spider!

As I quickly turn off the light (and start thinking about the extra jobs I am going to have to pick up to pay for the therapy), Dandelion lets out a whistle and says, "Cool!". 

Cool?  You freak about the idea a spider may even be in your vicinity and this is "Cool"?! 

Funny enough, this ended up working in our favour - no matter how we have tried to inform him of the fact that spiders (in our neck of the woods) can't hurt him, it took him to see for himself that they can only eat things in their own size range.

By the end of the weeked, I was creeped out (never been a fan of spiders, but I work hard at not passing my irrational phobias onto my children) because he was searching out spiders and insistent on sharing his finds with us.  I manage to live oustide of a white jacket that fastens from behind because I have an unspoken agreement with spiders that I will pretend they don't exist if they pretend I don't either - I have a feeling that checking out their webs, searching plants and trees for them is a violation of our terms.

How many extra jobs am I going to have to pick up to pay for my therapy?

Of knights and damsels...

Just recently, the kids and I spent a wonderful day with our homeschooling friends at our local Medieval Festival.
Dandelion designed his very own medieval costume - a prince knight, complete with sword and shield. His best friend D. was his damsel, of whose protection he took very seriously throughout the day.

The day was spent with many of whom we see on a weekly basis, but there were many who I hadn't seen in months, and in some cases, years. All of them remembered my little girl, some remembered my tomboy, only those we see regularly knew my son...so, there was the inevitable discussion about gender identity.

Thus far, all our homeschooling friends have been very supportive, but there is always the comment about "phases" and how all our kids have gone through a phase of identifying with the opposite gender - how do I know that this is not a phase and that I'm not taking it too far?

This is not the first time that I have been asked that. Rather than be offended or begin second guessing myself because of this inquiry, it has led me to do a lot of thinking about the difference between a "phase" and true identity.

My eldest - the girliest girlie girl you will ever have the pleasure of meeting - went through a phase, at age 2-1/2 when she called herself a boy. She had a bit of a hero worship thing going on with a 5 year old boy that I babysat - she wanted to be just like him... It came, it passed. That was it.

Dandelion, on the other hand, from the time he could make his own choices he showed us time and again that he was hardwired male, regardless of what his external features were telling us.

My belief is that any one behaviour can be unique to a child, regardless of gender. A little girl who prefers cars over dolls is NOT trans, gay, whatever...she's a little girl who prefers cars! The same goes for a little boy who likes pink or plays with dolls.

From personal experience, if you can look back and see all these lumped into one kid...
- dismisses ANY "girl" toys but loves everything that is traditionally "male"
- at age 2, is cutting bows off her clothes because it is "too girlie"
- tries to cut her own hair at age 3 because she wants a "boy cut"
- who loses it because you brought home the princess training pants rather than the "boy" ones
- who puts on the knight/king/wizard costume at playgroup when all the other little girls are princesses
- pretends to be a body builder and shows that she is just as big and strong as Daddy
- when asked what she wants to be when she grows up, answers very seriously "a policeman and a fireman"
- who would rather wear the same red t-shirt and jeans day in and day out because those are the clothes she identifies as being "boy clothes"
- as much as I hate to buy into the stereotypes...loves math, tools and taking things apart to see how they work

...well, maybe you can add up all those parts and realize that it does not, in any way, add up to the whole that you are seeing.

Of course, when that same child tells you, very clearly and concisely, "I want to be a boy" and says, "tell people I am your son", I think that any second guessing about it being a phase is pretty much over.

Meanwhile, my little knight is tuckered out from fighting dragons and rescuing damsels, as is his mother from watching him, worrying about him and loving him to distraction (and, who vows always to be the knight-in-shining-armour for her little knight!).

Mistaken identity

Some things just hit you like a ton of bricks!

Recently, the kids and I were visiting with another transfamily (the most AMAZING people!)and we were discussing our kids' transitions - mind you one of the "kids" is an adult kid!

I commented on how people began to mistake Dandelion for a boy around 2-1/2 years ago when I relented to his desire to have a "boy" haircut. I said how he beamed when people mistook him for my son...and, as the words were coming out of my mouth, it struck me - WHO was doing the mistaking?

Complete strangers actually saw Dandelion's true identity while I was missing it (or, possibly, ignoring it).

Our friends laughed with me while I shared this sudden realization with them.

When things like this happen, as a parent, it is so easy to fall into guilt, but a young man once gave me some very sound feedback:

It was the adult kid from this family who, when I had asked if there was something he wished his parents had done differently, had responded along the lines of "they only knew what they knew, but they always loved me and supported me and that made the difference".

So, Dandelion, I only know what I know - and I know that I love you and support you. I hope (fingers and toes crossed) that that makes the difference!