One day at a time

Last night we all went to see our awesome friend kick some TO butt with her roller derby team Riot Squad (btw, the TO ladies did a great job and gave our girls a run for their money!).


http://rideauvalleyrollergirls.com/

As usual, we had a blast!

One thing that we have noticed is that Dandelion is in his element at these matches.  Our normally attached at the hip, playing shy little man is off schmoozing the volunteers,  talking up the players...if you have ever been to a flat track roller derby in Ottawa (and I think I can safely assume it is similar - if not the identical - everywhere else) you may understand why he feels so comfortable there.  It is the mecca and sport of the alternative lifestyle. 

My girlie girl loves it for the female empowerment aspect of it - tough, strong, beautiful women kicking butt on the track, but oozing good sportsmanship.

I have a feeling that Dandelion just feels like he has "come home".

The crowd consists of every colour of the rainbow, but it is especially full of LGBT.

I don't want to sound un-politic in the manner I describe it, but I have been finding that being the parent of a young gender variant person is much like deciding on a new car and then seeing that car EVERYWHERE...you never noticed that car on the road much before, but now it seems like it is every second car out there.  That's the way I feel with a gender variant son.  Suddenly, I am noticing those who look like they may be transgendered, I internally question the gender of strangers on the street (when I never thought to notice or care before) and I am more apt to hear insensitive comments, too.

I noticed A LOT of ftm last night.  Some had obviously started T, but many were hormone and op free.  One thing that I couldn't help but notice was their comfort within their own skin - or lack of comfort.  Sadly, so many of these young men seemed to be very uncomfortable - a pity when in a venue and environment that is so accepting.  Some hid behind bravado - forced swaggers, very aggressive/strong presences; some were just looking very awkward.  Although they presented as male, it became obvious that many were wearing chest binders and were not at all comfortable in them.  Too much time was spent, albeit trying to look casual, with their arms crossed over their chests - as if trying to hide the telltale signs of the binder before someone on the outside could notice. 

Then I looked at Dandelion and wanted to cry.  I love my baby so much and I am watching him confident, happy and secure in his self and in his physical body.  It hasn't betrayed him yet.

So many of these young men look VERY young - late teens to mid-twenties.  All I could think was "What if...they had known how to voice their need to their parents...that their parents had sensed something different and acted upon it..."  How different would their lives be?  Would their lives be different at all?  Would they be happier than they are today?  Would they be less than they are today by being given an easier road than the one that they had to take?  How many of them will seek surgical reconstruction?  How many of them will begin T?  How many of them will be happier?  Have the trials and difficulties they have faced being transgendered done damage to their sense of self?  Is the damage irreversible?

Again, I think of the young adult ftm that I met through TransFamilyKids and how secure and comfortable he appeared.  If I had met him under different circumstances I would never have questioned his gender.  He presented casually and confidently in his skin.  Mind you, I met him well after his top surgery and starting T - so I can't say that he has always been this way. 

But, if I can give one thing to Dandelion, I want him never to feel that his body has betrayed him...sure, maybe it is not cooperating fully...but to still be able to trust it, love it and have confidence in it.  I want him to strut around just as proud and secure in his being a boy 10 years, 20 year from now as he does today at the age of 7.

When I discuss Dandelion with others, I always try to stress that I can only handle one day at a time.  Sure, I do research what options are out there for his future - what may make his life easier in the long term, what hoops we are going to have to jump through to make sure that all options are open to him - but I don't make any plans because I can only manage today and stay sane!  I have a gender therapist and a trans-friendly pediatric endo lined up in the event that we need them within the next couple of years, but even the gender therapist doesn't see a need to meet with Dandelion yet as he is happy, well adjusted and not having any problems with transitioning.

Still, it is hard not to jump 10 years ahead of myself when the young man, in his early twenties, in a binder in front of me in line is holding his girlfriends' hand and has the other awkwardly draped over his chest trying to hide any inadvertent bulges under his baggy tee.  With great difficulty I hold back from traumatizing him by being accosted my me - a complete stranger giving him a bear hug and telling him that he is perfect and handsome just the way he is.

Dandelions' life as a dog

Dandelion-puppy disguised as a
Vampire Puppy Pirate for Halloween 2007

It's been interesting hearing the feedback about this blog - thank you for all the support! - especially as a recurrent theme has appeared...children identifying as an animal.

This has come up several times amongst transfamilies who can look back and remember when their child identified more as a favourite animal or pet than as a kid.  Friends who had been there for Dandelions years as a dog have commented on it, too and wondered if that phase is attached to his gender identity.

I think Dandelion was not yet 3 years old the year I made him a dog collar and leash (with magnetic clasps so that there would be no choking accidents) because, at this point he had been eating from, and only from, dog dishes for several months because he had informed us that he was a puppy.

The whole household supported it.  He wore a dog costume, almost, daily for a couple years when we went out - stayed naked at home because "Silly Mommy, dogs don't wear clothes!", and when it wasn't appropriate he would wear street clothes with his collar, nametag, and, often, the leash.  Yes, go ahead and imagine the looks I got walking down the street with my child on a leash!  This was NOT my idea, Dandelion had a very good argument that you can't take dogs out without a leash...how do you support your puppy and argue with logic like that?!

Now, as an aside, one may question "When and where is the situation that is not appropriate to wear a dog costume and for a child to act in a doggy manner?".  Nowadays, this would be a really good question - I'd be hard pressed to give you anywhere or anytime.  Several years ago, I still believed that there was a certain way to act under certain circumstances and that we all sometimes need to blend in a bit more than we do.  Have I grown as a parent and a person?  Am I just a big push over?  I like to think the former, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion - go ahead, I invite you to judge!  But, for the record, if being a puppy wasn't appropriate, we could often compromise on him being Spiderman instead...

Back to my puppy:  Dandelion was the best dog I have ever had.  He even had a special dog name.  He already did lots of tricks and was really quick to learn new ones.  He communicated well, ate well, slept well and was fully housetrained.  He loved getting his belly rubbed and getting scratches behind the ears.  His favourite game was fetch.

I'm thinking that there IS a link between his identifying as a dog and his gender identity.  I think that a very young age that he knew something was "different" about him and couldn't express it.  Maybe he didn't even know what the "different" was.  All I can tell you is that he lived in a very safe and supportive fantasy world.

I'd like to believe that our years of nurturing Dandelion-puppy gave him the security to voice to us, at such an early age, how he was feeling and what his needs are.   I hope that our years of nurturing Dandelion-puppy has given us some of the tools we need to help him negotiate deeper waters as he gets older and life gets more confusing and seemingly difficult.

I do know that it has given us the attitude of "we don't care what you think because what we are doing, right or wrong, is out of love for our child" and seeing the proof-in-the-pudding of having a happy and well-adjusted child.

Puppy Love!

Little Dandelion has been wanting a dog since...well, forever!  For years (age 2 - 6) he identified as being a dog - eating and drinking only out of dog dishes, wanting to wear a collar and a leash, playing puppy and doing tricks for us, wanting belly scratches, etc...

Well, last week, we got a puppy.  He is the sweetest and gentlest puppy I have ever met and little Blackie has shown me how mature and serious my little boy can be!  It is absolutely amazing to watch your "baby" grow into a serious "big kid" overnight.

The pup is just under 8 weeks old, and we've had him for just less than one week, but Dandelion has already mat trained him, taught him to fetch and jump through a hoop and jumping from small heights.  Blackie will try to squirm out my hands and those of my husband to get to Dandelion!  

When Dandelion was 4 years old he saw a Super Dog agility trial competition on TV and has always said that this is what he would do if he had a dog of his own.  I think he is well on his way!

This past weekend, Dandelion painted a picture of himself holding a flaming hoop and Blackie jumping through it...I'm going to have to keep an eye on the matches!

The path to therapy is paved with teachable moments...

This past weekend we took Dandelion camping.  His big sister was away at a Girl Guide camp and we thought we would take the opportunity to have some one-on-one time with him.

Fun, sun, nature - he was completely in his element!  Mind you, we spent 4 of the first 10 months of his life camping across the country.  One thing he just hasn't been able to get over are spiders - he will absolutely flip if he comes across a web, let alone a spider!

Well, on the way to the washrooms before bed time I encouraged Dandelion to keep his flashlight turned off so we could enjoy the fireflies.  Of course, this led to many questions about fireflies that I answered as best I could and ended with "what does a firefly look like?".

On the way back to our site I noticed a lone flashing in the grass along the path.  Wow, I can actually show Dandelion a firefly!  How exciting! 

Now, I really should have thought "Why is this firefly not moving...what could be wrong?"....

As I shone the flashlight on the lone blinker, the beam caught a most horrible, albeit natural, sight - the firefly was in a death embrace with a spider!

As I quickly turn off the light (and start thinking about the extra jobs I am going to have to pick up to pay for the therapy), Dandelion lets out a whistle and says, "Cool!". 

Cool?  You freak about the idea a spider may even be in your vicinity and this is "Cool"?! 

Funny enough, this ended up working in our favour - no matter how we have tried to inform him of the fact that spiders (in our neck of the woods) can't hurt him, it took him to see for himself that they can only eat things in their own size range.

By the end of the weeked, I was creeped out (never been a fan of spiders, but I work hard at not passing my irrational phobias onto my children) because he was searching out spiders and insistent on sharing his finds with us.  I manage to live oustide of a white jacket that fastens from behind because I have an unspoken agreement with spiders that I will pretend they don't exist if they pretend I don't either - I have a feeling that checking out their webs, searching plants and trees for them is a violation of our terms.

How many extra jobs am I going to have to pick up to pay for my therapy?

Of knights and damsels...

Just recently, the kids and I spent a wonderful day with our homeschooling friends at our local Medieval Festival.
Dandelion designed his very own medieval costume - a prince knight, complete with sword and shield. His best friend D. was his damsel, of whose protection he took very seriously throughout the day.

The day was spent with many of whom we see on a weekly basis, but there were many who I hadn't seen in months, and in some cases, years. All of them remembered my little girl, some remembered my tomboy, only those we see regularly knew my son...so, there was the inevitable discussion about gender identity.

Thus far, all our homeschooling friends have been very supportive, but there is always the comment about "phases" and how all our kids have gone through a phase of identifying with the opposite gender - how do I know that this is not a phase and that I'm not taking it too far?

This is not the first time that I have been asked that. Rather than be offended or begin second guessing myself because of this inquiry, it has led me to do a lot of thinking about the difference between a "phase" and true identity.

My eldest - the girliest girlie girl you will ever have the pleasure of meeting - went through a phase, at age 2-1/2 when she called herself a boy. She had a bit of a hero worship thing going on with a 5 year old boy that I babysat - she wanted to be just like him... It came, it passed. That was it.

Dandelion, on the other hand, from the time he could make his own choices he showed us time and again that he was hardwired male, regardless of what his external features were telling us.

My belief is that any one behaviour can be unique to a child, regardless of gender. A little girl who prefers cars over dolls is NOT trans, gay, whatever...she's a little girl who prefers cars! The same goes for a little boy who likes pink or plays with dolls.

From personal experience, if you can look back and see all these lumped into one kid...
- dismisses ANY "girl" toys but loves everything that is traditionally "male"
- at age 2, is cutting bows off her clothes because it is "too girlie"
- tries to cut her own hair at age 3 because she wants a "boy cut"
- who loses it because you brought home the princess training pants rather than the "boy" ones
- who puts on the knight/king/wizard costume at playgroup when all the other little girls are princesses
- pretends to be a body builder and shows that she is just as big and strong as Daddy
- when asked what she wants to be when she grows up, answers very seriously "a policeman and a fireman"
- who would rather wear the same red t-shirt and jeans day in and day out because those are the clothes she identifies as being "boy clothes"
- as much as I hate to buy into the stereotypes...loves math, tools and taking things apart to see how they work

...well, maybe you can add up all those parts and realize that it does not, in any way, add up to the whole that you are seeing.

Of course, when that same child tells you, very clearly and concisely, "I want to be a boy" and says, "tell people I am your son", I think that any second guessing about it being a phase is pretty much over.

Meanwhile, my little knight is tuckered out from fighting dragons and rescuing damsels, as is his mother from watching him, worrying about him and loving him to distraction (and, who vows always to be the knight-in-shining-armour for her little knight!).

Mistaken identity

Some things just hit you like a ton of bricks!

Recently, the kids and I were visiting with another transfamily (the most AMAZING people!)and we were discussing our kids' transitions - mind you one of the "kids" is an adult kid!

I commented on how people began to mistake Dandelion for a boy around 2-1/2 years ago when I relented to his desire to have a "boy" haircut. I said how he beamed when people mistook him for my son...and, as the words were coming out of my mouth, it struck me - WHO was doing the mistaking?

Complete strangers actually saw Dandelion's true identity while I was missing it (or, possibly, ignoring it).

Our friends laughed with me while I shared this sudden realization with them.

When things like this happen, as a parent, it is so easy to fall into guilt, but a young man once gave me some very sound feedback:

It was the adult kid from this family who, when I had asked if there was something he wished his parents had done differently, had responded along the lines of "they only knew what they knew, but they always loved me and supported me and that made the difference".

So, Dandelion, I only know what I know - and I know that I love you and support you. I hope (fingers and toes crossed) that that makes the difference!

To he or not to he...

I had never, ever questioned the power of a pronoun until Dandelion transitioned.

After 'she' started dressing and looking like 'he' I would be asked how old he was, what was his name, and invariably, I would blow the cover and 'she' or 'her' would slip into my conversation - most often confusing the stranger.

I easily accepted the haircut, the clothing, the entire demeanor, BUT my language patterns kept giving it all away...

"Come on, ladies"
"My girls are over there" (most often getting a quizzical look from the recipient of the comment as it is obviously a boy and a girl over there)
"I love you, Baby Girl"
"She's 6...oops, I mean HE's 6"

Argh! I hate to admit it but the list goes on!

I have to say that I do try, I try my darndest to respect Dandelion's gender identification, but having called Dandelion she,her,pretty girl, Baby Girl, beautiful, lovely, daughter and all those other female identifying nouns and adjectives for so long that it was a hard habit to break.

When talking about Dandelion to friends and family, I would find myself constantly self-correcting, making conversations much longer and more broken up than they should be.

So, do you know what I did?

I asked Dandelion is he minded that I flubbed up.

Do you know what Dandelion said?

No - as long as you think of me as your son and as a boy.

So, do you know what?

I don't worry about it anymore. Let strangers be confused, the people who really count know and most of all, Dandelion just doesn't care!